What We Pass Down

Even Without Kids

I’m a single gay man. I don’t have children. I never will. I still feel the weight of what we pass on to the future (including our future selves).

As a child, I was the kid with questions and contradictions. I was the one seeking guidance, yet I found shame. Over the years, I've known many children—as childhood friends, neighbors, and the children of family and friends—and I've seen the scars that we inflict on them.

Here’s what I’ve come to see:

In our effort to raise good kids, we often raise repressed ones. We say we’re teaching them values, but too often we’re just handing them our fears. Our hangups. Our insecurities. We tell them to be kind, but we only show them shame. We say they can be anything, then punish them for being different.

Most children are not raised in body-positive, gender-positive, sex-positive, or even emotionally-positive homes. Some aren’t even allowed to dance or draw. And we wonder why so many adults are afraid of themselves.

We tell little boys to toughen up and little girls to shrink themselves. We hide the truth about bodies and feelings until they find it online. We silence their questions because they make us uncomfortable. Then we act shocked when they grow up full of guilt and confusion.

But here’s the thing: children are not confused by truth. They are confused by contradictions.

That’s not just intuition—it’s reflected in what we know from developmental psychology. When children are raised in environments where open, age-appropriate conversations are encouraged, they show more resilience, empathy, and critical thinking. When they grow up surrounded by silence and shame, they carry that confusion into adulthood.

They ask, “Why can’t I wear that?” and we say, “Because you’re a boy.” They ask, “Why do I feel this way?” and we say, “Don’t talk like that.” They ask, “Why do grown-ups do this?” and we say, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

But when they are older, they realize they were never supposed to understand. They were just supposed to obey. This is not about introducing kids to sex or drugs at inappropriate ages. This is about not punishing curiosity, not shaming bodies, and not raising kids to fear what makes them human.

I don’t need to be a parent to know we can do better because I’ve seen what happens when we don’t. And more than that, I was one of those kids.

I was the queer kid who learned to hate himself. And to survive, I did what I was taught to do: I distanced myself from anyone who seemed “more queer” than me. I laughed at the wrong jokes. I avoided eye contact with those who reminded me of my differences. I am not proud of that. But I am not that person anymore. And too many never get the chance to grow beyond that phase. Too many are still stuck where I was.

We don’t need to teach children to be perfect. We need to teach them how to be whole. Wholeness doesn’t come from control. It comes from calibration. From presence. From listening. From letting a child ask, wonder, cry, explore, and yes, even disagree.

We don’t all need to be parents to raise a generation. We don’t need to live in the same house or vote the same way. But if you are in a library, a coffeehouse, a classroom, a sports team, or a neighborhood, you are already part of the community that is shaping tomorrow.

Stop pretending you’re not responsible. This next generation will inherit the messes and miracles we leave behind. We damn well better give a damn. And it starts with us, not when we become parents, but when we choose to be honest.

If this resonates, please share. And if you’re helping raise a child—in your home, on your block, in your community—thank you for choosing curiosity over fear.

Date
June 13, 2025
Sections
QU Observer
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Article