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Red Hat Creative Megalomaniac Diagnostics Division
“First one’s free. After that, it’s executive coaching.”
Now Offering:
Childhood Behavioral Probability Reports for Aspiring Tyrants
Featuring our flagship product: The Megalomaniac Template™
A 100% satire-powered retrospective analysis of what your inner child might have done — if left unsupervised and mildly worshiped.
What’s Included (first consultation free):
Behavioral Probability Table
"Did little his majesty throw tantrums or threaten lawsuits?" We'll show your client what their inner despot—probably—did.
Parental Impact Forecast
Our cutting-edge Blame Distribution Models™ reveal exactly how much responsibility lies with Mom, society, or "the Deep State in utero."
Early Signs of Narcissistic Real Estate Syndrome
When toddlers start naming their sippy cups after despots or real estate properties, we pay attention.
Future Grift Potential™ Analysis
From monetizing patriotism to selling NFTs of baby pictures, we'll chart their complete grifting trajectory through age 92.
Leadership Coaching Add-On (aka "Groom Your Inner Emperor")
Complete with mirror practice scripts, a five-lies-a-day calendar, and a custom loyalty pledge template.
Optional Add-Ons
Add-On | Description |
Life Coaching (Ultra-VIP Edition) | Get yelled at by an imaginary gold-plated version of yourself until you ascend. |
Imaginary Cabinet Simulator | We help you staff your dreams — with yes-men, talking animals, or your mom. |
Ego Expansion Pack | Includes 10 fake awards, 3 AI followers, and one forged honorary doctorate from Trump University 2.0 |
“Blame the Mirror” Toolkit | Ideal for toddlers and presidents alike. Comes with pre-loaded excuses and tiny pointing fingers. |
Why Red Hat Creative?
Because the world doesn’t need another life coach.
It needs a satirical diagnostics agency with vision, sarcasm, and just enough childhood trauma to turn your ego into a small private island nation.
First report is free. Second one we invoice your future cult. Terms & delusions apply.
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Red Hat Creative: Founding Case Study — Donald J. Trump
The Megalomaniac Manifesto (Childhood Edition)
"First one’s free. After that, we invoice your future cult." — Red Hat Creative, Megalomania Diagnostics Division
Historical Case File: Donald J. Trump
Subject: Trump, Donald John
Date of Initial Observation: Circa 1950s–present
Diagnosis: Probable Early-Onset Narcissistic Empire Syndrome
Status: Untreated, monetized
Retrospective Childhood Behavioral Probability Report
Childhood Trait / Behavior | Estimated Probability | Field Notes |
Refused to play games unless he could be the boss | 99% | Monopoly ended only when he was both the banker and the rule-maker. |
Named all his stuffed animals after himself | 96% | Teddy Donald. Elephant Donald. Even the goldfish was named "Don Jr." |
Bullied other kids but claimed they "loved it" | 94% | Referred to his swirlies as "confidence-building exercises." |
Blamed imaginary friends for every mess | 89% | "Crooked Elmo did it. Probably rigged." |
Tried to sue Santa Claus for breach of contract | 77% | “I asked for a pony. Got socks. This is fraud.” |
Built Lego towers, destroyed others’ | 92% | Declared it a "strategic acquisition." |
Recovered Historical Artifacts
Excerpt: Trump Family Nanny’s Diary (1953)
"Little Donnie yelled 'YOU'RE FIRED!' at the mailman again. Then he forced Eric to wear a sign reading 'Fake Baby.' When I attempted a timeout, he demanded we call it a 'peace deal negotiation.'"
Excerpt: Queens Elementary School Counselor Report (1959)
Incident Report #177
Student: Trump, Donald
Summary: Student disrupted show-and-tell by pulling the fire alarm while declaring he had "the most toys, believe me." When confronted, he blamed "the failing woke school system."
Recommendation: Immediate empathy exposure therapy. Also, consider banning mirrors. Maybe a warm bath.
Red Hat Creative Coaching Recommendations (1950s–Present)
If we would have been there, this could have been avoided.
Phase 1: Early Intervention (Age 7)
Objective: Encourage empathy. Discourage self-branding.
- Mirror Affirmation Replacement: "Other people matter too" → Rejected
- Sharing Simulation: "Let's make this OUR sandbox" → Sandbox nationalized and fenced off
Phase 2: Monetization Era (Age 30+)
Objective: Capitalize on untreated megalomania.
- Real Estate Therapy: Patient channeled ego into building acquisitions
- Branding Addicts Anonymous: Declined to attend all meetings
- Truth Aversion Counseling: Responded with 14-minute laughing fit
Phase 3: Full Delusion Management (Age 70+)
Objective: Mitigate global consequences.
- Sandbox Diplomacy Simulator: Failed
- Vocabulary Expansion: Refused anything beyond "tremendous" and "disaster"
- Fantasy Reconciliation Strategy: Suggested creation of Trump Time™, an alternate timeline where he always wins
Summary Assessment
Donald J. Trump isn't just a client of Red Hat Creative — he's the very reason our Diagnostic Division exists. His childhood behaviors predicted, with eerie accuracy, the adult trajectory: narcissism without brakes, delusion without bounds, and branding without borders.
If you spot any of these behaviors in your child, boss, or senator, Contact Red Hat Creative immediately. Because if we'd been there in 1953...
Red Hat Creative — Diagnosing tomorrow’s despots, today.