Preparing for the first generation of Super Heroes and Villains. If we wait, it might be too late.
THE MANUAL OF SUPER SENSUAL ETIQUETTE
So I was watching The Boys—Amazon’s kink-filled masterpiece of superhero satire—when I found myself mentally and spiritually unprepared for the Herogasm spectacle.
A scrum of limbs, moans, laser eyes, and ethical violations that would make the Roman Senate blush. And I doubt that the Romans massaged prostates that way.
I have never been to a kink event with so much disrespectful behavior. And I realized—we need to revamp the rules, before the first generation of supes emerges. If we wait, it might be too late.
When your house party involves teleportation, shape-shifting genitalia, and emotional trauma as foreplay… things can go sideways. Fast. We need to be prepared. So, here is the first guide to supe orgy etiquette.
No Door Dongs
If your penis is longer than your arm, leg, or can knock politely by itself: you should not be greeting people at the door. The entrance is for hugs, hellos, and waivers, not being slapped by a sentient meat baton.
Consent Is Not Telepathic
Mind readers, empathic aliens, and empath-enhanced sea creatures must still ask first. Just because you feel someone’s into it doesn’t mean they’ve said yes. And your vibes don’t count in court.
Bring Your Own Lube (BYOL)
If your anatomy requires NASA-engineered lubricants, don’t expect the host to provide it. This is not a SpaceX launch. Be responsible.
Invisibility ≠ Invincibility
If you’re invisible and sneaking into pileups like a voyeuristic breeze: You’re not mysterious—you’re a lawsuit waiting to happen. Glow-stick necklace. Ankle bell. Something.
Symbiotes Must RSVP Separately
If you and your sentient ooze are attending, that counts as two guests. And, your slime trail is not welcome on the buffet table.
If It’s a Weapon or a Limb, Keep It Holstered
Any body part longer than a surfboard should be subject to zoning regulations.
This includes tentacles, tails, and semi-sentient phalanges. Stay in your lane—literally.
Respect the Furniture
Not everything with a soft cushion is an invitation. The ottoman is antique. The massage chair is on loan. The dog bed is… actually for a dog.
Safe Words Must Be Cross-Species Compatible
“Banana” might work for humans, but not for psychic fungi, alien diplomats, or dolphins. Use the universal signal: three jazz hands and a kazoo honk. Practice it at the door.
Announce Unique Anatomies
If your bodily fluids can dissolve steel or generate their own electricity, there should be a sign. A small one. With icons. No one wants a surprise discharge that turns the ceiling into a Jackson Pollock.
No Creeping by the Crudités
If you’re not participating, don’t hover near the hummus like a pervy statue. Voyeurs go to the lounge. Lurkers get tossed into the cuddle pit—consensually.
Leave a Review
Let the hosts know:
- Too much screaming, not enough snacks.
- Felt like a Greek tragedy with more fluids and fewer consequences.
Your feedback matters.
The Final Thought
Superheroes are going to bang with reckless abandon. If you think differently, I would not plan on thinking for much longer. They should at least do it with style, safety, and some civic responsibility. Because when your laser-eyed golden boy can decapitate someone mid-orgasm, you better have a plan.
Stay safe. Stay weird. And please—for the love of sanity—label the edible body paint.