Let’s laugh before we cry.
🦅 COLD OPEN: “LIVE from the USS Constitution…”
INT. DECK OF USS CONSTITUTION – DAY – NEWS CAMERAS ROLLING
The flags are flapping unnecessarily hard. Trump steps up to the podium, flanked by suspiciously sweaty military officials and cardboard cutouts of Melania and Kid Rock.
TRUMP (in full pageant voice):
“Thank you! Thank you very much. What a tremendous ship we’re on. The Constitution! Not just a boat—this is the greatest ship. Original wood. Real wood. You know they don’t use that anymore? No, they use fake wood now. Woke wood. Sad.”
(He turns, points vaguely toward the camera like it wronged him.)
“We’re here today to talk about a very serious issue—the name of a Navy ship. You may have heard of it. It was called—very incorrectly—the USS Harvey Milk. Milk! Now, I like milk. Big milk fan. Especially chocolate. Tremendous beverage. But let’s be honest—nobody wants to fight a war on a boat named after spoiled milk, okay?”
(The crowd chuckles awkwardly. A sailor behind him visibly blinks in Morse code for help.)
“Now, Harvey Milk—look, I respect him. He sold a lot of milk. Or ran for office, or something. But I talked to many, many generals—some of the best generals. They said, ‘Sir, we’re trying to build a warrior culture. Not a barista brigade.’”
“So today, I am proud to announce: we are RENAMING that ship. That’s right. No more Milk. No more lactose. And guess what? We’re going to pick a new name. Something strong. Something American. Something heterosexual.”
(He points dramatically off-stage as if calling the Rapture.)
“We will unveil the name… next Tuesday. It will be the greatest ship name. You’ll love it. You’ll cry. It might involve Chuck Norris. Or NASCAR. Maybe Jesus. But I can’t say more. Executive privilege.”
(Pats podium like it’s a bongo.)
“Thank you to the admirals, the donors, and the Heritage Foundation. Especially thank you to the guy who stepped in that poop over there—true patriot. That’s the kind of sacrifice we need!”
CAMERA WHIP-PANS TO A JUNIOR OFFICER
Standing in literal dog crap. Head down. Crushed inside. Brown goo perfectly centered on his boot heel.
TRUMP (gleeful):
“That’s the smell of freedom, folks.”
FADE OUT. GUITAR STING. NBC BUMPER: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!
🧑🚀 STUDIO CUT: WEEKEND UPDATE – SNL STYLE
COLIN JOST (deadpan):
“In light of the recent announcement to rename the USNS Harvey Milk, the Pentagon has released a short list of replacement names currently under review. Here are the Top 10 New Names for the Ship Formerly Known as the Harvey Milk.”
MICHAEL CHE (smirking):
“And yes, they’re all somehow worse.”
🚢 TOP 10 NEW NAMES FOR THE SHIP
(graphic rolls with cheesy patriotic music)
10. USS STRAIGHT WHITE ENERGY
For when you want the vibes of a Monster Energy ad… but on water.
9. USNS FREEDOM COWBOY JESUS
Rumored sponsor: Kid Rock and an emotional bald eagle.
8. USS BLUE CHECKMARK
Verified. Sanctified. Monetized.
7. USS NO HOMO (BUT I RESPECT YOU, BRO)
Fueling international waters… and emotional repression.
6. USNS THE LAST BUD LIGHT
Can’t turn around without bumping into a culture war.
5. USS THIN BLUE LINE BUT IN THE OCEAN
And yes, the flag is upside down on purpose.
4. USS CHUCK NORRIS’ LEFT BICEP
Only half the strength. All the man.
3. USNS PRAY THE GAY AWAY
Because nothing says morale like institutionalized denial.
2. USS TRIGGERED SNOWFLAKE DESTROYER
Ironically built in a climate-controlled safe space.
And the #1 proposed new name…
1. USS MILK, BUT ALMOND
We fixed it. No gay. No cow. Just vibes.
CHE (facepalms):
“Honestly, the real name should just be: USS You’re Not Mad About the Ship, You’re Mad About the Progress.”
💔 OUTRO – HEARTFELT TRUTH
COLIN (turns solemn):
“All jokes aside, the real reason Harvey Milk’s name was chosen for a Navy ship wasn’t just because he was gay. It was because he served, because he was forced out, and because he still fought for a country that tried to forget him.”
CHE:
“He told people: ‘You gotta give them hope.’ That hope is why his name was on that ship. Taking it off? That’s not strength. That’s fear in a uniform.”
COLIN:
“Because if a gay man who wore the uniform, risked his life, and changed the country… can’t have his name on a gas station boat… then what does ‘service’ even mean?”
CHE:
“And real talk—if you’re more upset about the name on a ship than the fact that veterans are homeless, broke, or waiting months for VA appointments—then maybe you don’t actually give a damn about the military.”
COLIN:
“So we salute the USNS Harvey Milk… while we still can.”
FADE TO BLACK.
OVERLAY: [Milk’s quote] “Hope will never be silent.”
UNDERNEATH: “Happy Pride Month.”