Absolutely-diddly-lutely! Here’s a full 10-minute TED Talk script featuring Ned Flanders—Springfield’s most cheerful, God-fearing neighbor—giving his delightfully awkward, overly polite, yet surprisingly thoughtful take on evolution. Expect biblical references, nervous apologies, and a few classic “Hi-diddly-ho!” moments as Ned tries to wrestle with Darwin and Darwinism without getting smote.
[Cue upbeat music. Spotlight shines. Ned Flanders jogs out in a green sweater, holding a Bible in one hand and a fossilized fish in the other.]
Ned Flanders: Well howdy-diddly-doodly there, neighbors! I’m Ned Flanders—devout Christian, left-handed do-gooder, and part-time mustache model. And today, I’m here to talk about... evolution.
[Nervously adjusts glasses.]
Yup. That’s right. The Big E. Not Ezekiel, not Exodus... but evolution.
Now, I know what you're thinkin’: “What’s a God-fearin’, Bible-believin’ man like you doin’ talkin’ about a theory that says we all came from—gasp!—monkeys?”
Well, hold your hallelujahs and simmer your skepticism, because I’ve been thinkin’ about this topic for quite some time. And I believe there might just be room in this big ol’ universe for both the science of evolution and the spirit of faith.
[Slide: “In the Beginning... There Were Questions”]
Now, folks, I was raised on good ol’ fashioned Genesis. You know: God made Adam, then Eve, then a snake ruined everybody’s picnic. Boom! Six days, world’s done. The original speedrun!
But one day, little Rod came home with a school science book and asked, “Daddy, did we come from fish-frogs or rib-bones?” I realized I had to do something terrifying...
Read a science book.
[Slide: “Charles Darwin – The Original Beagle Boy”]
Now, Charles Darwin—he’s the feller who wrote “On the Origin of Species.” He took a trip on a boat called the Beagle—not a dog, sadly—and noticed how finches on different islands had different beaks.
And instead of saying, “Well golly, God sure likes variety!” he said, “Aha! These critters are changing over time to fit their environments!” He called it natural selection.
It’s the idea that species adapt, mutate, and evolve over long periods of time. Kinda like how Homer went from “Do-it-yourself handyman” to “walking OSHA violation.”
[Slide: “Natural Selection – Survival of the Fittest-diddly-ittiest”]
Now, natural selection means the traits that help you survive get passed on. Like camouflage, speed, or the ability to eat cafeteria meatloaf without gagging.
Over millions of years, these small changes add up, and suddenly—BAM!—you got giraffes, hammerhead sharks, and that weird bird that looks like Danny DeVito.
Now I’ll be honest, folks. That’s a lotta years. I usually get anxious just thinking about next Tuesday. But the evidence is pretty compelling: fossils, DNA, shared structures in animals—even that one kid in Sunday school who looked suspiciously like a lemur.
[Slide: “Faith vs. Science? Or Faith AND Science?”]
Here’s where things get tricky: Some people say evolution contradicts the Bible. That it’s anti-God. But I say... why not both?
What if—and hear me out, neighborinos—what if evolution is how God does His handiwork?
Like, maybe the Big Guy upstairs decided to build His world one cell at a time. Maybe He sculpted creation like a potter—with patience, process, and an eye for detail. It’s not less miraculous. It’s just a longer miracle!
I mean, if God can turn water into wine, why not turn fish into philosophers?
[Slide: “Made in God’s Image – But Not All at Once?”]
The Bible says we’re made in God’s image. It doesn’t say how long that took. Maybe He shaped us with the clay of the Earth and the chisel of evolution. Maybe we were knit together slowly—gene by gene, limb by limb—until He said, “Okily dokily, that’s a human!”
And don’t forget, friends: Jesus didn’t write Genesis. Moses did. And Moses didn’t have a microscope.
[Pauses, adjusts mic, suddenly serious.]
Now I know this can be a touchy subject. Some folks feel like accepting evolution means throwing the Bible into a bonfire. But I say: faith isn’t fragile, it’s flexible. If your belief in God can’t handle a few fossils and finches, maybe it needs a check-up.
Faith isn’t about certainty. It’s about trust.
And science isn’t about replacing God. It’s about understanding His creation.
[Slide: “Flanders’ Final Thoughts” with doodles of Jesus and Darwin shaking hands.]
So here’s what I believe:
- God is real.
- Evolution is real.
- And if we can all stop yelling long enough to listen, there’s probably more common ground than we think.
Let’s stop using science to scare people out of faith. And let’s stop using faith to ignore the wonders of science.
In the end, whether you think we came from Eden or from eons of adaptation, we’re all in the same boat. And it’s a pretty amazing boat—full of brains, hearts, and opposable thumbs. Praise the Lord and pass the bananas!
[Flanders grins, hands in the air.]
Thank you kindly, God bless, and may your days be blessed and your mustaches stay bushy!
[He waves politely, picks up his fossil again, and walks offstage humming “Bringing in the Sheaves.”]
Would you like this animated into a cartoon segment or turned into a debate between Ned and Lisa next?