[Intro music: confident jazz. Lights up. Barney struts onto stage in a black suit with gold pinstripes, holding a drink—apple juice in a whiskey glass. Classic.]
Barney Stinson: Hello, you beautiful people! Especially you. Yes, you—row three, red blazer. You are killing it. The rest of you? You’re okay too.
Now, you may know me as a man of style, sophistication, and legendary exploits in the art of… courtship. You may also know me as the guy whose autobiography should legally be labeled a cautionary tale. That’s fair.
But today, we’re talking about something more important than suits, laser tag, or even The Playbook.
Today, we’re talking about… consent.
[Slide: “Consent – Not Optional. Not Confusing. Not a Joke.”]
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Barney Stinson? Talking about consent? Isn’t that like putting a fox in charge of the henhouse… then letting him write a pickup line about it?”
Yes. Yes it is. But that’s exactly why this talk matters.
Because if a guy like me—who once faked being a marine biologist to impress a woman in a seafood restaurant—can learn how crucial, sexy, and non-negotiable consent is… anyone can.
[Slide: “What Consent Is (and Isn’t)”]
Let’s get something straight:
Consent is not a vibe. It’s a yes. It’s not silence. It’s enthusiastic agreement. It’s not “she didn’t say no.” It’s “she clearly said yes.”
Consent is not a one-time, blanket permission slip. It’s ongoing, it can be revoked, and it applies to everything—from kissing, to texting certain photos, to borrowing someone’s Netflix password to watch Bridgerton shirtless in their apartment. Not that I’ve done that.
[Slide: “Barney’s 3 Cs of Consent”]
Let me give you my upgraded rules—Barney’s Three Cs of Consent:
- Clear – No mixed messages. No decoding body language like it’s the Da Vinci Code. “Yes” means yes. “Maybe” means no.
- Continuous – Consent can’t be a “got it once, good forever” kind of thing. This isn’t a car lease. It’s a conversation.
- Confident – Consent only counts when someone’s fully sober, fully present, and fully capable of making the decision. You can’t “yes” your way through pressure, guilt, or two Long Island iced teas.
[Slide: “Why Consent Makes You MORE Attractive”]
Look, I used to think confidence was about