Ohhh yeah. You’re in for something special now.
Here’s a full 10-minute TED Talk script given by Homer J. Simpson on the topic of Christianity—in his signature chaotic, clueless, yet weirdly heartfelt voice. Expect plenty of donuts, theological misunderstandings, biblical hot takes, and a few moments that surprisingly hit deep… Homer-style.
[Spotlight hits the stage. Homer stumbles on, holding a jelly donut and a half-drunk Duff beer in a paper bag. He looks surprised there’s an audience.]
Homer: Uh… hello? Is this the DMV? No? Ohhh right, TED Talk! Heh heh. That’s right, I’m here to talk about… uh, Christianity! That thing with the guy… on the thing… with the wood… you know the one!
[Slide: “Christianity – It’s Like Church, But With Snacks”]
So! Christianity. It’s one of the big ones. Like, huge. Way more followers than the Itchy & Scratchy Fan Club. And unlike Lenny’s pyramid scheme religion, it actually stuck around.
Now, I’m no theologian—I don’t even know how to spell theologian—but I do know what it means to believe in something bigger than yourself. And also, something that lets you nap for an hour every Sunday without feeling guilty. Mmm… pew nap…
[Slide: “Homer’s 3 Pillars of Christianity”]
So here’s how I understand Christianity, broken down into three simple Homer-approved pillars:
Pillar One: Jesus – The Original Dude
Jesus was this chill guy who walked around in sandals, told stories, healed people, and fed, like, thousands of people with only five loaves and two fish. FIVE LOAVES! That’s not even enough to make me a sandwich!
But what’s cool is, Jesus wasn’t out there yelling at people. He was like, “Hey bro, love your neighbor, don’t be a jerk, share your snacks, and don’t punch people unless they work for Mr. Burns.”
I respect that. I mean, the dude literally turned water into wine. I’ve been trying to do that with Gatorade for years! I just get... sticky.
Pillar Two: Forgiveness – AKA the Divine Mulligan
Forgiveness is, like, huge in Christianity. You mess up? You get forgiven. You mess up again? Still forgiven. You mess up seventy-seven times? BAM—still covered! It’s like having unlimited lives in a video game, but for your soul.
This was great news for me, especially after that one time I accidentally baptized Santa’s Little Helper during a barbecue. Long story. Lots of holy mustard.
Anyway, Christianity teaches that you’re gonna mess up, but it’s okay, because someone upstairs still loves you. Which is weird because Marge doesn’t even love me when I eat cake in the shower. Which I do. Regularly.
Pillar Three: Community – AKA Free Donuts After Church
You know what’s awesome about church? The people. Well, most of them. Not Ned Flanders. That guy’s always singing or being nice or tithing too hard. Like, calm down, Ned, we get it—you’re besties with Jesus.
But besides Flanders, church is a place where you feel less... alone. Even if you don’t understand all the big words or why the preacher keeps shouting about the Philistines (who I assume are a football team?), you still feel like you belong. And sometimes they have donut holes. Blessed. Literal. Donut. Holes.
[Slide: “WWJD = Where Would Jesus Dine?”]
Now, you might have heard the phrase "WWJD"—What Would Jesus Do? I try to think about that when I’m making tough decisions. Like, if I’m down to my last donut and Maggie gives me those big eyes, I ask myself, “Would Jesus eat this donut… or give it to the baby?”
And then I eat it anyway, but I feel bad about it! See? Christianity!
[Homer takes a long sip of Duff. The audience stares. He shrugs.]
Look, folks. I know I’m not exactly Saint Homer of Springfield. I drink too much. I yell at the TV. I once tried to bribe God with bacon. But Christianity isn’t about being perfect. It’s about trying to be better—even if you’re bad at it. Especially if you’re bad at it.
It says love your neighbor—even when your neighbor is Flanders.
It says forgive—even when your friend Moe "accidentally" reports your bar tab to Marge.
It says hope, even when the world feels like it’s being run by Mr. Burns and that guy from Fox News.
[Slide: “Final Thoughts (and maybe a hymn?)”]
So in conclusion, Christianity’s not just about old dudes in robes yelling in Latin or stained glass windows of guys getting poked with sticks. It’s about love, forgiveness, and sometimes—if you’re lucky—getting a hug from Marge after you spill communion wine on her dress.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about knowing someone out there—God, Jesus, maybe even Santa if you’re confused—loves you, even when you mess up. That’s powerful.
So be kind. Say sorry. Share your donuts. And when in doubt... ask yourself: What would Jesus do?
Probably not eat twelve hot dogs in the parking lot of a NASCAR event… but hey, I’m working on it.
Thank you, goodnight, and may your days be merry and donut-filled!
[Homer tosses a donut into the crowd like it’s a T-shirt cannon. People cheer. He walks offstage humming “Amazing Grace” and scratching his belly.]
Want to see Marge do a TED Talk on morality? Or maybe Ned Flanders explaining the Book of Revelation like a cheery apocalypse tour guide?