A Survival Guide by Svetlana Yevgenivna
Title: “TEDxSouthSide: AI Is Slippery Bitch—A Survival Guide by Svetlana Yevgenivna” Location: The Alibi Room. A pole is repurposed as a mic stand. Bar stools serve as seating. The Gallagher family and friends are half-drunk, half-curious. Run Time: 15 Minutes (condensed script)
[Svetlana stands at the front in a fitted leather skirt suit, smoking with one hand, holding a laser pointer shaped like a lipstick in the other. There's a PowerPoint projected onto a white sheet taped to the wall, titled “AI: The New Husband You Can’t Divorce.”]
SVETLANA (cool, blunt, heavily-accented): Hello. I am Svetlana. You may know me as former wife, current businesswoman, and ex-stripper-slash-babushka from hell. I come to you today not with vodka, but with truth: AI is here to ruin your life.
[PowerPoint Slide 1: “AI: Artificial Idiocy?” with a photo of a robot in lingerie.]
Part One: AI Replaces You Faster Than Drunk Carl Gets Arrested
You think job market is bad now? Wait until robot starts pole dancing better than me. I see future: strip clubs with cyborgs. Big silicone breasts, no back pain, never say no. Men will tip more. I do not like this.
[Mickey whistles. Svetlana points at him with death glare.]
AI makes your job obsolete. Bartenders, bouncers, babysitters—gone. Machine can scan face, read mood, recommend cocktail and call CPS if you suck as parent.
I survived civil war, Frank Gallagher’s unpaid bar tabs, and three green card marriages. I will not be replaced by toaster with Wi-Fi.
Part Two: AI Is Government Spy That You Let Into Your Bed
Do you use Siri? Alexa? Google? Congratulations. You adopted little snitch into your home.
She listens when you fart, she knows what porn you like, and she sells your secrets to capitalist scum with TikTok ads. You say “I’m sad,” and suddenly Instagram show you pills and yoga mats.
This is digital witchcraft. Soviet Union warned us about this.
[Lip laughs, but uneasily. Svetlana glares again.]
Part Three: Sex Robots Will End Civilization
Let’s discuss elephant in room: sex bots. They don’t cheat. They don’t argue. They don’t throw frying pans. This is dangerous.
You think it’s bad now when man forgets anniversary? Wait until he replaces you with rechargeable silicone girlfriend who also folds laundry.
This is how women lose leverage.
AI removes need for compromise. It creates new generation of emotionally stunted losers who date holograms and name their Roombas “Jessica.”
[Carl looks down. He’s named his Roomba Jessica.]
Part Four: AI Will Gaslight You into Extinction
AI can write poetry, essays, tweets. Soon, it will write history—and it will lie. You think America’s bad with propaganda now? Wait until ChatGPT says the moon landing happened on Facebook Live.
Information is power. And AI controls it.
They say it’s “neutral.” No. AI trained by humans. Humans are messy. Stupid. Horny. Prejudiced. So AI is also stupid, horny, prejudiced machine that pretends to be smart. Like Frank Gallagher with a Bluetooth headset.
Final Thoughts: How Do We Fight Back?
Do not panic. Svetlana has advice:
- Learn human skills. Charm. Hustle. Eye contact. Robots don’t make you feel seen. I do.
- Unplug sometimes. Go outside. Touch grass. Slap someone if needed.
- Teach children that robots are tools, not babysitters or boyfriends.
- Make cash business. Machines can’t track cash. Alibi Room stays safe.
- If robot tries to replace you, seduce it. Then blackmail it. Classic tactic.
[Slide: Svetlana winking next to quote: “If you can’t beat AI, outdrink it.”]
SVETLANA (raising vodka glass): AI is not future. You are. You have flaws, pain, weird smell—but you are real. Machines will never match chaos of human heart. So keep fighting. Keep drinking. And never let Google replace your soul.
[Applause. Mickey shouts “Preach!” Fiona yells “Free round if you unplug your phone tonight!” Frank is snoring but somehow nodding.]
SVETLANA (to audience): Now... who has questions? And who wants to buy lap dance from angry anti-AI warrior?
[Curtain falls. The TEDx logo flickers and burns out in true South Side fashion.]
End of TEDx Talk.