But Not Before It Takes Our Jobs and Steals Our Nudes
Title: "Kev Ball’s TEDx Talk: ‘ ()’" Location: TEDxSouthSide — Hosted at The Alibi Room Run Time: ~15 minutes (condensed script) Characters present: Kev (speaker), Veronica (front row, yelling support), Frank (passed out at the bar), Lip (arms crossed, skeptical), Fiona (bartending), Carl (nodding intensely), Ian & Mickey (making out, then confused), Debbie (live-Tweeting it), Liam (recording for TikTok)
[Lights dim. A big red “TEDx” sign made out of neon bar signs flickers behind Kev. He’s standing on a sticky beer mat with a headset mic duct-taped to his face.]
KEV (clears throat dramatically): Ladies, gentlemen, degenerates—welcome to TEDxAlibi, the only TED Talk with a two-drink minimum and a 40% chance of a bar fight before the intermission.
I’m Kevin Ball—bartender, bouncer, proud father of twin girls who already outsmart me on a daily basis—and I’m here to talk to you about something even scarier than the IRS: Artificial Intelligence.
[Pause. Kev opens a beer.]
Now, you might be thinking: “Kev, what the hell do you know about AI?” And I say, plenty! I watched The Terminator, I, Robot, and that one Black Mirror episode where the dude falls in love with his toaster or something.
[Veronica claps. Frank grunts.]
But listen up—because AI ain’t just robot butlers and creepy sex dolls anymore. It’s in your phones, your fridges, your Tinder matches. Hell, it might even be writing your resume. Or this TED Talk. (winks at audience) AI is smart. Too smart. And you know what that means? We are officially the dumbest species still holding the remote.
Part One: “It’s Taking Our Damn Jobs”
You used to go to the grocery store and talk to a cashier named Denise. Now? You scan your own stuff and scream at a machine named “Self Checkout 3.”
Truck drivers? AI’s learning to drive without falling asleep or hitting squirrels. Bartenders? They got machines mixing cocktails now! Sure, it’s not gonna flirt with you like I do, but it doesn’t water down your gin, either.
[Fiona yells from the bar:] “Because you’re cheap, Kev!”
Exactly. And guess what? When the machines take over, none of them are gonna hire us back. Robots don’t unionize, they don’t take smoke breaks, and they don’t steal toilet paper from the supply closet. We’re screwed.
Part Two: “AI Is Learning Too Much About You”
You ever talk about something near your phone and then suddenly get ads for it? That’s not coincidence, that’s surveillance with a smile.
AI knows what you like, who you text, how long you pause on that one thirst trap on Instagram. It knows what time you poop. That is not a god I want to worship.
[Debbie mutters: “I’m deleting everything.”]
Too late, Debs. It already knows your Amazon wishlist and your credit card’s favorite wine.
Part Three: “Skynet Is Real, People”
I know, I know, “Kev, you’re being dramatic.” But am I?
AI’s already running nuclear simulations, military drones, and stock markets. One bad line of code and BOOM—we’re barbecuing on a post-apocalyptic South Side.
All it takes is one sentient Roomba with an attitude, and we’re toast.
Part Four: “But Kev, Isn’t AI Helpful?”
Yeah, sure, it can write essays, diagnose diseases, and help Liam cheat on his calculus. But at what cost?
If we let machines think for us long enough, we forget how to think for ourselves. You can’t outsource humanity. You can’t automate heart, gut instinct, or that weird feeling you get when someone lies about liking Malört.
Final Thoughts:
I’m not saying we go full Amish and start churning butter and raising barns. I’m just saying: Don’t let something with a microchip do all your living for you.
Stay curious. Stay skeptical. And for the love of God, stop giving your face to every dumb AI filter on TikTok. That’s how they get you.
[He raises his beer.]
To human error. To bad decisions. To the glorious mess of being actually alive. Because when the robots come knocking, I want them to know—we may be dumb, but at least we’re real.
[Crowd cheers. Veronica throws a bra. Frank wakes up long enough to mutter “I told you so” and burps. Carl starts planning a robot rebellion.]
[Fade out as Kev yells:] “Now someone buy me a drink—I’m exhausted from outsmarting the future!”
[Curtain.] End of TEDx Talk.